


If You Really Love Me

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, During Canon, First Time, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-02
Updated: 2007-09-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 07:21:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8702902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Sam’s eyes are praying, and though Sam doesn’t believe Dean understands, he actually does. He knows why this is so important to Sam. It’s the ultimate proof of his love; If you really love me, you’ll do the thing you never ever want to do because I ask you to. And it’s twisted and painful but he really understands.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** I wasn't sure at first if I should even post this fic since it's kinda an emotional rollercoaster and I wasn't sure if it seems a bit illogical at some parts but then I decided to give this baby a chance. Feel free to share your thoughts of this one, criticism makes better writers. Hope you enjoy.  
>  Unbeta'd so all the spelling mistakes are mine alone.

They’re standing in the pouring rain, face to face, just looking at each other.

They are both soaking wet, but neither of them will not make a move to get inside their cheap motel room. 

Finally Dean breaks the silence:

 

“We really should go inside before you catch pneumonia.”

 

“I’m fine”, Sam replies with a tone that tells Dean he’s anything but fine.

 

“Right”, Dean sighs, “Your lips are turning blue, you’re white as a ghost, and haven’t you noticed that you’re shaking like you had a goddam Parkinson’s. Yeah, I’m sure you’re just fine.”

 

“Don’t start…” Sam says, but not with the usual irritated tone, more like tired and defeated.

 

“Sam, what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Don’t give me that bullshit. And whether you’re gonna like it or not, I’m gonna drag you inside and put you to a hot shower, and then you’re gonna tell me exactly what the hell is the matter with you.”

 

Before Sam has time to react, Dean has already grabbed him tightly on his grib, and literally starts dragging his little brother towards the door of their room. Sam is too cold and weak to resist, and let’s Dean push him inside the small room. 

 

“Now, take your clothes off.” Dean commands him and Sam tries, but his frozen fingers refuse to cooperate. 

 

“Ok”, Dean lets out a sigh, “Don’t try to punch me or anything but it seems like you could use some help.”

 

Sam doesn’t resist when his big brother unbuttons his shirt and peels it off along with his soaking wet t-shirt. He doesn’t even protest when Dean starts to take his jeans off and then his boxers as well. He just stands in the middle of the room, naked and shivering, and his mind seems to be at least million miles away. And Dean is starting to get worried.

 

“Hey”, he says softly, “You better get to that hot shower right now or you’re seriously gonna get sick…”

 

Sam’s mind seems to get back into this world as he looks at his brother, and the look he has in his eyes scares Dean. Sam has never looked at him that way. Sure he’s been angry before but now there is more than that and Dean could swear it’s disappointment, and he doesn’t understand. They’ve had a good week, not even the usual fights and arguments, so what’s wrong?

 

“Sammy…”

 

“Don’t try to be nice!” Sam snaps all the sudden, “You don’t have to do that anymore.”

 

And then he walks to the bathroom, closes the door, and Dean can hear him locking it which he hardly ever does. What the hell is going on!?

 

After about half an hour later Dean is getting anxious. Sure, Sammy likes his showers long, but the thing that makes him nervous is that he can’t hear sounds of washing or movement, the only sound coming out of the bathroom is the water pouring down on the floor.

 

Ok, fine. It’s about time to get some clarification on this. Dean moves to the door and starts to pick the lock open. It only takes couple of seconds with his skills and then he opens the door and steps into the bathroom. 

Sam is sitting on the grey tile floor under the shower, resting his chin against his knees, water dripping from the long locks of his hair. Dean can’t see his face.

 

“Sam…” he whispers and reaches his hand to shut the water. Then he freezes when the water touches his hand. It’s ice-cold. 

Dean reacts quickly, grabbing towels and pulling his brother forcefully up from the floor. He places towels on Sam’s shoulders, wraps one on his hips and all the time Sam looks to be completely numb. 

 

Dean drags him to the nearest bed and tugs him under the blanket. Then he quickly strips down to his boxers and slips under the covers with Sam. 

 

“What are you doing?” Sam asks quietly as Dean pulls him close and wraps his arms around his little brother.

 

“I’m using my body heat to warm you up”, Dean answers, “I don’t want you to freeze to death.”

 

“Like it would matter…” Sam mutters.

 

“Shut up. We’ve gotta get you warm.”

 

They lay still for awhile until Dean places his hand on Sam’s forehead to check his temperature. Sam doesn’t even flinch. 

 

“Sam?”

 

“Don’t.”

 

“Jesus man, talk to me! Tell me what’s wrong! I can’t help you if I don’t even have a clue what the hell is wrong!”

 

Sam lifts his head a bit so that he can look Dean in the eyes. 

 

“You left me.”

 

“What??”

 

Sam’s voice grows desperate, the first sign today that he actually has feelings hidden under that silent numbness. 

 

“You left me all alone, without a warning, without even saying goodbye!”

 

“Sam, what the hell are you talking about? I have never left you!”

 

“Not yet”, Sam whispers, raising his eyebrows, “but you will.”

 

“Never.” Dean assures with determined voice, “Not gonna happen. And where’d you get those crazy ideas in your head anyway?”

 

Sam stays silent for a moment before answering:

 

“I saw it happen. Last night.”

 

“Sam, it was just a nightmare…”

 

“No it wasn’t! It was too real, just like my other visions!”

 

“Sam”, Dean sighs, “Why would I ever leave you?”

 

“Why wouldn’t you?” Sam shoots back.

 

Dean sighs even deeper:

“What do you want me to say, Sam? What can I do to make you believe me?”

 

“Let me think… Nothing, absolutely nothing. And it would be best if you left right away. There’s no reason to keep pretending. It’ll only make things worst.” 

 

Dean looks at his little brother, confusion turning to anger.

 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Fine”, Sam replies and starts to move himself out of the bed, “I’ll make it easier for you then and leave myself.”

 

But before he can even set one foot on the floor, he feels strong arms pulling him back down, smashing him against the mattress and the next thing he realizes are his brother’s hazel-green eyes staring back at his own.

 

“You’re not going anywhere either...” Dean growls deep down from his throat, making shivers run through Sam’s spine.

 

Sam makes his final attempt to escape but his brother pins him down with his body. They stare at each other, both breathing heavily with anger.

 

“You know”, Dean finally says, “You’re an idiot. You know I could never leave you. You’re all I have left. You’re the only thing keeping me sane.”

 

Dean pauses for a moment before adding quietly:

 

“And because I love you. More than anything in this world.”

 

Sam doesn’t know what to say. He’s still angry and this is too weird. Although Dean didn’t say much, Sam knows that he just revealed a little piece of his soul, and that doesn’t happen often with Dean Winchester. But Sam still needs more, he has to be sure.

 

“More than anything?” he whispers.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Prove it.”

 

“How?”

 

Sam lifts his eyes to Dean’s.

 

“What do you think?”

 

It takes a moment before Dean realizes what’s on Sam’s mind.

 

“Sam…”

 

“Yes, Dean?”

 

“Sam, if you mean what I think you mean…that would be so wrong in so many levels I can’t even begin to count to but first of all, we’re brothers.”

 

“Yeah”, Sam smiles arrogantly, “And that’s without a doubt the reason why you have laid on top of me for the last five minutes. While we’re naked… oh, you’re not, you still have your boxers on. Don’t worry, we can change that, I promise.”

 

Dean feels himself blushing, and he really isn’t the kinda guy who blushes easily.

 

“I was trying to get you warm.”

 

“Well, looks like it worked. I’m feeling pretty warm right now.” 

 

Sam moves a bit.

 

“ Ow, what’s that? Did you bring a gun under the blanket or are you just happy to see me, Dean?”

 

And Dean feels himself blushing even more, and even more when Sam continues:

 

“Or are you happy that I’m laying under you, helpless, submissive and… Oh, almost forgot. Naked.”

 

“Sam…”

 

“Don’t worry, big brother, I’ll make it easy for you. It all makes perfect sense now. Now I know why you were gonna leave me.”

 

“What do you mean?” Dean asks, unsure of wanting to hear the answer.

 

“You wanted to leave because you just can’t stand it that whenever you lay your eyes on me, all you wanna do is fuck me through the mattress.”

 

“Sam…” Dean growls, painfully aware of his aching erection pressing against his little brother’s groin.

 

“What’s the problem, big brother?” Sam asks sarcasticly “Why don’t you just do it? I won’t resist or struggle against. You can have me any way you want, the way you’ve had me in your dreams…”

 

“Shut up Sam!” Dean yells all the sudden, “Just shut the fuck up or I don’t guarantee…”

 

The words die in his throat when Sam starts moving under him, squirming and writhing and breathing the way that sounds like pure porn. Dean feels like he’s falling head over heels to the destination unknown.

 

“Like you woudn’t want this…” Sam whispers at Dean’s ear and his breath is hot and moist, “I’m offering you what you’ve always wanted. You can do anything you want to me.” Small pause, “Anything, Dean.”

 

“That’s it”, Dean gasps angrily, “You asked for it. Remember that!”

 

Sam smiles, looking very pleased of himself, and that only makes Dean furious. He can’t hold himself back, not anymore. Sam is just begging for it, and in Dean’s emotional mixture of anger, guilt, and pure, red-hot lust the only thing he can think is to hurt Sam, make him regret that he ever brought it up to this. He grabs Sam by the jaw and looks into his eyes, gritting his teeth.

 

“You know what? You’re a bitch and that’s exactly how I’m gonna treat you.”

 

Sam is still smiling: “Wouldn’t want it any other way.”

 

“Oh, and I’m gonna wipe that arrogant smile right out of your face. You’re gonna scream for me.”

 

“Yeah, I’d like to see that happen. Big words, bro, no action. I’m starting to think that you may not have guts to do this at all.”

 

“Watch me”, Dean growls, quickly and roughly turning Sam around to his stomach.

 

“So, how would you like it? Maybe I’ll take you right now, totally unprepared. I’ts gonna hurt like hell.”

 

“Ain’t that exactly what you want to do? Hurt me? Come on, stop pretending, right now the only thing you wanna do is hurt me! So do it!”

 

The last words come out as yelling, Dean can feel the fire burning in Sam, but he also knows deep inside that if he does this, there’ll be no turning back and nothing’s gonna be like it used to be. But he’s so angry and frustrated and maybe even a little bit scared. And god, Sam is right, every time he looks at his little brother he just wants to fuck him senseless. So, no more pretending and denying, and besides, Sam clearly is begging for this.

 

The first thing Dean does is that he bites his little brother’s neck, hard enough to leave bruises. Sam lets out a muffled cry, a sound so sweet it makes Dean sigh out of pleasure. God, he has never considered himself as a sadist of any kind, but now he only wants Sam to make more those sexy agonized moans. He wants to make Sam scream and beg and plead. Make Sam scream his name. Those thoughts turn Dean on so much it hurts, and he can’t help but wonder how sick he really is. Even sicker than he imagined? So fucking what. This is sick and wrong and immoral and blaa blaa blaa, but who gives a damn? It’s also very enjoyable.

 

Dean starts to bite down Sam’s shoulders and licks the taste of his skin. But there is something he wants even more, so he roughly turns Sam around again and pins him to the bed with his whole bodyweight.

Without a warning he crashes his lips on Sam’s, hard and needy and violent. He can taste blood and the taste makes him moan. He devours Sam’s mouth with passion, swallowing down every whimper his baby brother makes. Finally he pulls away to catch his breath, but in a split second he’s all over Sam again. 

He moves lower, licking and biting Sam’s nipples hard enough to make him jerk away. Dean smiles like a predator. A predator that has smelled blood.

 

“Are you trying to get away from me, Sam?” he murmurs from deep down his throat, “You know we can’t have that. You promised to let me do whatever I want to do to you. Don’t say you’re backing up now? I haven’t even started yet.”

 

Sam’s voice is thick and raw:

“Then do your worst…”

 

“Oh, I will.”

 

With those words he attacks Sam’s lips again and bites his lower lip until it bleeds. He licks the blood away and fucking purrs. Holy shit, that’s perverted even to Dean and he starts to wonder what the hell has gotten into him. Oh, nevermind…

 

Dean then lifts his head to look into his little brother’s eyes, wide open, pupils dilated.

 

“Are you scared yet, Sammy?”

 

“Of you? Never!” he tries to laugh but the laughter stucks to his throat. 

 

“Fine. You will be,” he whispers huskily and returns to look into Sam’s eyes. They’re closed and he is breathing light and fast.

 

Dean moves lower until he’s kneeling between Sam’s thighs. And what he sees down there pleases him very much. He has never thought that another man’s cock could be fascinating, and no way in hell tempting, but Sam… hard, leaking… Dean can’t helphimself, he bends down and takes Sam’s throbbing member deep into his mouth. Sam sounds like all air had just been kicked out of his lungs all at once.

 

“Dean…” Sam tries to whisper but his throat feels like he has just swallowed shattered glass. Shitshitshitholyfuckingshit! Sam thinks, It wasn’t suppose to go like this. He was supposed to be the one in control the whole thing but how the hell is he supposed to be in control when he can’t even think straight??

Dean’s mouth is doing things that should definitely be illegal, and that’s about all he can think of right now. It feels amazing. For fuck’s sake, it’s his brother doing all those nasty things down there but no way in hell Sam wants to think about that disturbing fact right now, not while his brother’s (fuck) mouth is all around him, lips (oh,Dean’s lips…) pressed tight around his cock and tongue… god, Dean’s tongue. Where has he learned how to use it like that? Sam does’t know and maybe he doesn’t even want to. But he sure doesn’t want Dean to stop, and Dean has no intensions of doing that before he has gotten what he wants, and that is Sam coming, because right after coming a man is most vulnerable, and Dean wants, needs to see Sam weak and helpless (that’s pretty much what Sam is now, but what the hell, this is nice). 

 

The pressure on Sam’s balls is getting unbearable and he’s trembling so hard that for a second he’s afraid that they will both gonna fall off the bed. But Dean holds his hips down firmly, taking Sam’s cock deeper and deeper down his throat, and Sam is whimpering like a little puppy, a sound so sweet Dean’s almost ready to blow his load to his boxers right then and there. And then Sam stops breathing and freezes completely still, shooting strands of milky cum on Dean’s mouth, and Dean swallows it all.

Sam is spread wide open on the bed, desperately gasping for air, whole body going totally limp. Dean rises to lean to his elbows and watches Sam, whose face is flushed, eyes closed, mouth wet and red.

 

“Am I dead?” Sam whispers weakly and Dean grins wickedly.

 

“No, Sammy. You’re not dead, just easier to control now.”

 

“Easier to… oh.” Sam mutters in his post-orgasmic state, “Sure.”

 

Dean climbs on top of Sam and leans down to whisper in Sam’s ear:

“Have you ever been fucked in the ass?”

 

“No”, Sam mutters, eyes still closed.

 

“Good”, Dean smiles predatorily, “Let’s pop the cherry then…”

 

Sam doesn’t even hear what Dean is saying and doesn’t care when Dean takes his boxers off or when he reaches for a bottle of lube from the bedside table. He lets Dean spread the lube on his crack, it feels nice and cool, and keeps his eyes still closed, enjoying his current state with a satisfied smile on his face.

And suddenly all that changes.

 

Dean pulls him closer, grabbing his legs and placing them on his shoulders, and when Dean pushes his cock inside Sam all the way in one, deep thrust, Sam’s eyes pop wide open, until squeezing tightly shot again as he screams. Oh god, it feels like he’s going to be torn in half, he can’t move, he can’t breath, the pain in his ass is sharp and burning and no matter how he tries to fight back, the tears are crowding behind his eyes.

And as Dean thrusts again, Sam’s eyes open again but he can’t see anything but dark red. Tears are falling down his face though he doesn’t realize it, and he’s shaking and almost hyperventilating. Dean watches Sam and the naked fear on his face. Oh shit…

 

“Sam, breathe. Slowly,breathe!”

 

Sam doesn’t hear anything except blood rushing in his ears.

 

“Sam? Sam!”

 

It’s like Sam wakes up from a trance. He stares at Dean with eyes so wide he looks like a scared rabbit. Dean is still hard inside him.

 

“Talk to me Sam.”

 

And Dean is expecting anything, anything else than what Sam whispers next:

 

“You´re so big…”

 

Sam shuts his eyes again.

 

“Hurts, Dean… it hurts so bad…”

 

And Dean mentally smacks himself. He knows he should’ve prepared Sam properly, opened him up gently, but instead he drew himself in like a goddamn truck without speed limits.

 

“Okay, Sam, stay still. I’m pulling out now, and… I try my best not to hurt you anymore.”

 

God, what went into him? He just got blinded of his rage and frustration, and just a moment ago he really wanted to hurt Sam, hurt him so badly, but now… Now he just feels small and worthless and really, really low.

 

“Dean?”

 

“Hush, baby. It’ll be over in a second.”

 

“No”, Sam says with a muffled but determined voice, “It won’t be.”

 

“Wha..what??”

 

Sam lifts his dark, desperate eyes on Dean’s.

 

“Don’t stop.”

 

Dean has a lump on his throat as he sees all the emotions in his baby brother’s eyes.

 

“No”, Dean whispers, “No, I don’t want to hurt you anymore that I already have and—“

 

“Please Dean!” Sam begs, “Don’t stop. Fuck me, hurt me, please Dean, I need this! You couldn’t possibly understand… please, just do this… for me. Please hurt me.”

 

“Sam, no…” Dean is on the edge of tears, “I don’t know what went into me, I really don’t, and I’m so sorry… I don’t want to hurt you, it’s the last thing I ever wanna do…” He swallows hard. “I’d die for you, but please don’t ask me to do this…”

 

“I know you don’t wanna hurt me, and that’s exactly why I need you to”, Sam whispers softly, “If you really love me…”

 

Sam’s eyes are praying, and though Sam doesn’t believe Dean understands, he actually does. He knows why this is so important to Sam. It’s the ultimate proof of his love; If you really love me, you’ll do the thing you never ever want to do because I ask you to. And it’s twisted and painful but he really understands.

 

“Sam”, Dean whispers against Sam’s mouth, “I love you.”

 

And with those words he thrusts inside Sam again, deep and hard, and when Sam screams he does that again and again until he can hear Sam crying. He holds back his own tears and bites Sam’s shoulder until it bleeds.

 

“Say that you love me”, Sam cries, “Say that again…”

 

“I love you”, Dean can’t help himself, he’s crying too, “I love you Sammy. I love you, I love you, I love you…”

 

He keeps repeating it like a mantra as he fucks his little brother hard and rough, and when Sam wraps his legs around his hips he crashes his lips on Sam’s and kisses him desperately.

 

And suddenly Sam starts breathing heavier and faster and when Dean looks at him he’s looking back at him with eyes that say: now I know you really love me. Dean slows down his pace but doesn’t take his eyes off Sam’s. 

 

“I love you”, Dean whispers one more time and Sam smiles through his tears:

 

“Then finish me up…”

 

They start moving together in a slow rhythm, and it doesn’t take long until Sam’s eyes squeeze shut and his mouth opens for a silent scream. Dean can feel every muscle of his body tense before the pressure comes unbearable, and as he comes he can feel Sam’s body writhe under him as his little brother comes undone too.

 

They lay on the bed, bodies covered with sweat, tears, blood and cum. Their legs and arms are tangled together. 

And from now on their souls, as well. 

 

 

-fin-


End file.
